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It’s true – boys will be boys. It’s what they’re designed to do! Boys, however, will not go through life for reckless disregard for anyone and everything like that saying traditionally implies. They’re not hot headed robots that want to punch and karate chop their way through childhood, they’re actually quite sophisticated.
Raising boys can be such a multi-dimensional and complicated science, that science itself is still deciding on what works best for our boys. The reality, however, is that its personalised. Like raising any person, the complexity of their genetic (and now epigenetic) make-up combined with their environmental influences and the influences of their parents environments calls for an entirely individualised experience. When you talk parenting with your friend who has the golden ticket that works for their child and it doesn’t for yours, there’s a reason for that – their child isn’t your child. Their circumstances are different, their genes are different, and they simply don’t walk the same mile that you walk every day. That being said, there will always be something that works and throughout the history of documented parenting, there are consistent landmarks in our approach to raising young boys that have stood the test of time.
Raising people always starts with considering your values. What type of values does your family hold dear? What do we expect of our children? How would we like them to interact with the world? How would we like the world to interact with them? The topic of parenting has become so convoluted and complex that many people would just say “I want to raise a good person”, when they think of raising their boys. Some might go a little deeper in response to modern issues and say “I’d like to raise my boy to be sensitive to his and other’s emotions,”. However, we can go even further to say we value certain things that inspire these responses. We value accountability for one’s own and others emotions and the influence they have on them. We value preserverance and resilience for our boy’s ability to help others when they don’t know what help looks like. We value intelligence and critical thinking so that our boys can think outside of the box. Yet we also value calmness and connectedness so that our boys know how to switch off and put the hardship aside, separating the problem from the people.
Your values say what you expect of your family’s interactions with the world and they become a code of conduct with how you expect yourself to interact with others. For example, those who value power typically behave in ways that exhibit control over resources and people, while those who value tolerance are more likely to behave in ways that protect resources and others. Here, when doing the pre-boy planning that no one expects to have to do, it’s important to ask yourself, “what do we value?” This will set the blueprint for how you want to raise your boys. Not everyone will agree on what they should be, but we can all agree that a few should be valued by everyone. We all want our boys to be confident and resilient, we all want them to be caring and considerate, and we all want them to be intelligent and excited about learning (regardless of the topic of that learning). If you didn’t want those things, you’d probably have settled for a dog.
If you don’t know what your values are, renowned author Brené Brown has a number that are designed for adults in their professional life, but are highly appropriate for families and children too. Have a look here.
From a professional perspective, we hear this phrase all the time. Hilariously, when you have two boys you’ll start to notice the mental hurdles they go through to justify their actions. Older brothers will always give their younger brothers an idea to run with, only to turn around and pin it on them when they’re caught red handed. It’s a natural learning element of of boyhood, but demonstrates a significant period of mental thought as they begin to figure out their place and influence in the world. We’ll unpack the interesting side of moral reasoning that they’re developing here, but the practical solutions are simpler than they may appear. Boys typically display higher levels of energy in the early years and maturity develops at different rates to girls, so their behaviour can be perceived to be more boisterous. Not only this, but culturally it has been a more accepted path of development for boys over the years, which is something to consider when modelling the values that you’ve uncovered earlier. The individual child, while at the whim of various biological and macrocultural trends, doesn’t have to develop in accordance with a specific recipe.
Boys should be courteous, they don’t have to be aggressive, and they are always capable of being kind. They rely on the modelled behaviour and series of boundaries that you set as expected prosocial behaviour. What does that look like practically for parents? We often remind families that responsibility, predictability, and positivity are some of the most powerful tools in guiding children through challenging behaviours. Whether it’s shouting, refusing to cooperate, or just high-energy pushback, the way we respond sets the tone for how children learn to manage themselves over time.
So, what do you do when boys get wound up? We’ll biologically there is an important outlet for them. It’s called proprioceptive work (or just ‘work’ for short), and it’s the psychological term for thinking less and doing more.
When boys find themselves getting wound up and ready to bounce, it’s most often from this sensory need to move, lift, run, climb and organise their bodies in space. It’s one of the most valuable tools for cool, calm and collected boys in early childhood, and an essential element of growing up healthily, not only physically but also cognitively. There’s a lot of thinking that goes into switching off the brain and moving, and all this back burner thinking you do when you’re running, climbing, jumping, lifting or pushing and pulling takes energy and attention away from the ‘itchy’ part of the brain that might be overloaded or overused for a little period of time.
This isn’t just “burning off energy”—it’s their body asking for what occupational therapists call proprioceptive input: the sense of where your body is in space and how much effort is required to move it.
It’s one of the most valuable tools for cool, calm and collected boys in early childhood, and an essential element of growing up healthily—not only physically but also cognitively. When children push their bodies against the world, they learn about force, resistance, balance, and coordination. These physical experiences give them the ability to self-regulate, reset, and return to focused play or learning.
For example:
Running across the playground after a group time can act like a reset button, discharging the mental tension of sitting still and re-energising the body for cooperative play.
Climbing up a rope ladder or playground structure not only builds strength but requires planning and sequencing—thinking about which foot or hand goes next, how to balance, and how to get down safely.
Lifting heavy blocks or carrying buckets of sand or water gives deep muscle input that calms the nervous system. Many boys instinctively seek these “heavy work” tasks because they soothe restlessness and provide focus.
Jumping off a low platform into soft mats is not only thrilling but gives the vestibular system (our sense of movement and balance) the input it needs, while encouraging children to judge distance, risk, and landing safely.
Pushing and pulling games—like tug-of-war with a rope or pushing a large toy cart—engage full-body coordination and provide an outlet for big energy in a controlled, social context.
These sensory-motor experiences aren’t just about “getting the wiggles out”—they’re building blocks for executive function, problem-solving, resilience, and emotional regulation. By giving boys (and girls) the space to move their bodies dynamically, we’re giving them one of the most effective lifelong tools for learning to manage energy, stress, and focus.
It ties into the idea of proprioceptive work; one of the most effective ways to guide boys’ energy is by giving them meaningful jobs and tasks. Children thrive when they feel useful and capable, and boys especially benefit from opportunities to channel their energy into something productive. It’s not about handing out chores as punishments, but about creating a sense of contribution and belonging.
When children are given responsibilities, whether it’s helping set the table, watering the garden, carrying groceries, or tidying up their play area they begin to see themselves as part of a team. These moments of contribution communicate a powerful message about being valued and a key contributor. That sense of significance fosters self-worth, responsibility, and cooperation.
For boys who may otherwise funnel their energy into mischief or disruption, tasks give direction and routine. The key is to frame jobs in a positive way and to match them to the child’s abilities. A younger child might carry a cushion or put toys into a basket, while an older child might feed a pet, help prepare snacks, or take on small organising tasks.
When we make contribution a normal part of daily life, children not only learn responsibility, but also develop pride in their role within the family or classroom. They see that their actions have value, and that’s a lesson that stays with them well beyond childhood. Here’s a list of things you can do at home and a few learning outcomes we associate with them at school:
Setting the table for meals (counting plates, cutlery – numeracy)
Clearing their place after eating (responsibility and self-care)
Sorting laundry by colour or family member (classification and organisation)
Folding simple items like tea towels, socks, or washcloths (fine motor, sequencing)
Watering plants or helping in the garden (sustainability and care for environment)
Feeding pets (routine, empathy, responsibility)
Sweeping with a child-sized broom (coordination and contribution to community life)
Dusting or wiping surfaces (attention to detail and pride in work)
Packing away toys into categories (problem-solving, order, responsibility)
Organising books on a shelf by size or colour (literacy environment + visual discrimination)
Helping to pack school or daycare bags (planning ahead, self-management)
Putting shoes neatly by the door or in a rack (spatial awareness, routine)
Washing fruit and vegetables (healthy habits, sequencing)
Peeling boiled eggs or bananas (fine motor and independence)
Mixing ingredients with a spoon (coordination and focus)
Spreading butter or jam on toast (hand strength, self-care skills)
Helping with grocery unpacking (matching items to cupboards/fridge, categorising)
Helping in DIY or simple “fix-it” tasks (holding a torch, passing tools – teamwork)
Sorting recycling into bins (sustainability, responsibility)
Carrying shopping bags (proprioceptive input, helpfulness)
Making beds (sequencing, responsibility)
Simple yard jobs like raking leaves or collecting sticks (gross motor, teamwork)
Children thrive when they know exactly what’s acceptable and when those expectations are consistent across all adults in their life. If one parent enforces a boundary while another lets it slide, children will naturally test the limits. By agreeing on clear standards of communication and behaviour, you remove the “grey area” and make it easier for children to understand where the line is.
A boundary doesn’t have to be harsh. It’s as simple as calmly reinforcing:
“I cannot talk to you while you’re shouting.”
“Your voice is too loud, please take a breath and then we can talk.”
or, for a child that’s doing their ‘work’,
Over time, children learn that they can express frustration, but they must do so in a respectful way. In this case, finding a calm space to sit while they’re frustrated can help and then ensure you’re in the space with them so they know the support is there when they need it. If it continues, a change of scenery can help and outdoors is always hugely beneficial for calming tantrums in a teacup. Some days you may have to wait and wait, others they may stop immediately and say they’re ready to talk, but if you’re consistent it will reinforce a positive strategy of considering what healthily processing and expressing emotions looks like.
One of the best strategies for reducing conflict is giving children a sense of control within your framework. The key is that both options still lead to the outcome you need. For example:
“Would you like to get dressed now or in five minutes?”
“Would you like to put on your shoes yourself, or do you want my help?”
By offering choices, you reduce resistance, while still keeping the non-negotiables intact. The focus here is to make sure the outcome remains the same. If the goal is getting dressed, there’s no point asking would you like to get dressed or not – they’re going to choose not and it’ll start the morning argument. Find your goal, and ask a question that empowers their decision making.
Screaming is one of the toughest behaviours to handle — it’s loud, overwhelming, and emotionally draining. But it’s often just another form of communication. A child may not have the words to express frustration, so the scream fills the gap.
Here are some helpful approaches:
Treat the noise as background until you’re ready to respond calmly.
Give your child a comfortable but public place to sit if they need to “get it out” (a couch or armchair works well).
Offer simple, caring phrases:
“We’ll sit here together until you’re calm.”
“I hear you, and I’m here to help when you’re ready.”
“Let’s take a few breaths before we talk.”
When children see that they are not abandoned, but that shouting won’t earn them control, they gradually learn to regulate themselves. When we get hot, it’s very hard to consider anything but anger. It’s our most vivacious emotion and can be all consuming in young children, so the problem solving can’t start until the anger has subsided.
Once the storm passes, that’s when real learning begins. The Three R’s approach — regulate, relate, reason — helps children calm their bodies first, reconnect with a trusted adult, and only then reflect on what happened. This sequence is especially powerful because it builds emotional resilience for the long term, rather than just “stopping” the behaviour in the moment. An example below:
When a child lashes out at a peer, it can quickly turn into an emotional storm. Imagine a moment where a child hits another during play. You step in with a calm but firm reminder: “We don’t hit our friends.” Almost instantly, the child bursts into screams, unable to process the correction.
This is where the Three R’s—Regulate, Relate, Reason—come into play. The first step is to regulate. Before any learning can happen, the child needs help calming their body. Guiding them to a quiet but safe space and using a calm voice makes all the difference: “I can see you’re upset. I’ll sit here with you while you calm down.”
Your calmness becomes contagious, helping the child’s nervous system begin to settle. It’s not about approving or disapproving of the behaviour, it’s about getting to a state of calmness.
Once the child’s intensity begins to ease, it’s time to relate. This stage is about showing empathy and connection, reassuring the child that while their behaviour is not acceptable, they are still valued and safe. Simple phrases like “I know you’re frustrated” or “It’s okay to be angry” rebuild trust. In this space, a child feels understood rather than rejected, which is essential for them to re-engage positively. Then continue to wait.
Finally, once the child is calm and connected, you can reason. Now they are ready to reflect on what happened and explore alternatives. You might say, “You were upset because your friend had the toy, and you hit them. Hitting hurts, and it isn’t okay. Next time, what could you do instead?” By guiding the child toward solutions like asking for a turn or seeking help, you’re teaching problem-solving and reinforcing values of respect and kindness.
The beauty of the Three R’s is in their order. Too often we rush to reason with children while they are still in the middle of screaming or crying, and they simply cannot process what we’re saying. When we regulate first, connect through relating, and only then move into reasoning, children learn not just what went wrong, but how to do better next time.
Raising boys isn’t about fitting them into a stereotype or excusing behaviours as “just boys being boys.” It’s about recognising their individuality, guiding their energy, and modelling the values we want them to live by. Values become the anchor point — they help us decide how to respond when our children are loud, restless, or defiant, and they remind us that every boundary we set is really about teaching respect, kindness, and responsibility.
Consistency, calmness, and clarity go further than any quick fix. Through setting boundaries, offering choices that empower but still meet your goals, and using approaches like the Three R’s, parents can transform moments of chaos into lessons in resilience and empathy. Boys may be energetic and sometimes challenging, but they are also capable of deep thought, sensitivity, and kindness when given the right environment to grow.
In the end, parenting boys is not about controlling every behaviour, but about shaping character. When we parent from our values — and live them ourselves — we raise boys who are confident, considerate, and equipped to thrive in a complex world.